when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
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I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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