sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is Oprah even human
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
