Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
stfu you slept on the patio!?!