your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
