five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
