He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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