I cockslap morals
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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