You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
