I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize