I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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