I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
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