woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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