At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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