I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
