Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
