Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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