just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
where does the pee come out of this thing
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
