The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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