they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
