A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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