I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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