I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
