I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
