I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
