Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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