last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
