Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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