If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
