Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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