i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
