the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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