It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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