tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
