I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
try to milk me bitch
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