It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We have so much sex to catch up on
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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