My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
