Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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