Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
