1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
