I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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