How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
