The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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