I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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