Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
