The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
