just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
