it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
