im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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