this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Can I color on your dick again?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
