just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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