Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
