She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
