Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
