I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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