woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
