I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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