I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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